I recently graduated from 30 to 31. I imagine the one flopping down over the zero as the score climbs on a friday night high school football game. Certainly a memory from my distant past. Adding the one was harder than I thought it would be. Turning 30 wasn’t scary, it was magical. Look at me..I’m special, I’m 30! This birthday was a different story. I am no longer right next to my twenties, holding a firm grip on the border of 29. I am now rooted in the 4th decade of my life. Holy Cow.
Ordinarily I am not one of those people who stresses about age as a number. Perhaps it is societies (or my families) expectations of a woman in her 30’s that is getting the best of me. After all, I am not married or with child, with no plans for either in my immediate radar. People always tell you ‘age is just a number’ or ‘your only as old as you feel’. But at the same time, we are constantly judging each other, or valuing each other for the amount of time we have spent here, and all the fabulous experiences you have or have not had in that time. Why does time make us feel superior, or inferior than our younger counterparts. Age is a funny thing. Now that I’ve got my over dramatic tears and temper tantrums (turns out I couldn’t prevent the clock from turning), what does it really mean?
A birthday, an age, a true chance to reflect and appreciate every moment we have spent breathing. Everything we have learned. After all, we grow, mature and learn. Then we revert to the joy of our childhood and adventurous spirit of our youth, as we gain wisdom and learn the true value of these things. An individuals lifetime is an intimate enterprise, with its own timeline of unfolding events.
For me, I am not exactly where I want to be in my life. It is hard to say out loud. In this world, where we broadcast the best of ourselves through social media, it is hard to say ‘I’m not there yet’ and ‘My life is a far cry from the pretty pictures I post’. After all life is always more than the pretty pictures we take…even if taking pretty pictures is a huge part of your life.
I’m, Nicki. I am 31 years old. I have no children, and my biological clock is tick-tick-ticking. I do not know where I want to live or what I want to be when I grow up. I have regrets. There I said it!
On the other side, I have accomplished much of what I set out to. I have manifested the things I wanted, it just turns out some of them I didn’t actually want. I own a business, and have started many. I have risked everything for love. I have traveled. I have partied till the cows came home. I have made and lost amazing friends, cried my eyes out, screamed with rage and confusion, and had some amazing adventures.I have learned a whole lot. I would say I am older and wiser, but in retrospect, that 21 year old girl I was a decade ago, was pretty dam wise. She was also unsure of herself, and very insecure. I think wisdom is something we are born with. It is cultivated through relationships and learned experiences. It grows when we are aware enough to learn from our past. I have learned a hell of a lot in the last year, and I have a much greater perspective on the entirety of my life.
Perhaps you are exactly where you want to be. Perhaps, like me, you achieved what you wanted, and still want more. The grass is always greener in someone else’s yard right? In the coming year, I hope to create more. Create something for me, that is mine all mine. I hope to travel and connect with more people and places. I hope to spend more time with friends and family. I want to be of greater service to the world. I want to take more time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures, like ice cream. I want to jump in the deep end. Now you must hold me accountable.
I often find myself wishing I had created a more traditional life for myself, a white picket fence with lots of babies and bread baking in the over. Someday perhaps. But I have always marched to the beat of my own little drummer. Overly stubborn and independent. I must live on the edge, outside the box, ready for the next great adventure. I do not know where my life will take me, but for now I appreciate every moment, good, bad and ugly.
What parts of your adventure do you appreciate? Where do you hope to go?
Thanks for coming along on my crazy little trip.
All my love. xo. Nicki
